As promised, the rest of this book is devoted to scenarios where we’ll have you practice using the framework we shared with you in Chapters 1 and 2. The more you practice, the easier this becomes, but nothing replaces knowing your own kid. That’s why we’ll provide examples that we’ve found to be helpful, but it’s much more important for you to imagine what’s best for you and your child. Once you’ve surveyed the options, we’ll invite you to adapt the model to fit the particular needs of your child and your own unique style.
A couple of last points to ponder before we get started. There have been thousands of parenting books published over many decades. These often fall into two broad categories: managing behavior or helping with feelings. Just focusing on feelings can lead to both parent and child getting stuck on a merry-go-round of emotion; just focusing on behavior can lead to misunderstandings and disconnect. Our hope is to address both aspects, because both are important. It’s helpful to think a bit about which half of the equation is your natural comfort zone. If you are someone who feels at home with practical parenting strategies, you’ll probably want to pay particular attention to the parts on building a bridge, emotion translations, and putting it into words to create some balance. If you tend to tune into emotions and talk about feelings with your children more easily and readily, you may want to focus on the sections relating to getting practical, including setting limits.
No matter what your leanings as a parent or caregiver, it’s universal that kids are more flexible and bounce back more easily when the basics are taken care of. We know that kids melt down more easily when tired, stressed, or hungry. What we sometimes forget to take stock of is the state of their “emotional cup.” Kids fill up their cup through connection with the adults who love them. This may be through hugs, playing together, or just spending quality time together. Kids with a full cup will respond even more easily to the practices ahead. But if it’s been hard or next to impossible to fill their cup in these ways (maybe even because it’s been difficult to be around your child lately), not to worry. The examples in the coming pages will show how you can begin to fill your child’s cup even in the midst of the chaos of everyday life and even during your toughest moments together.
Alright! Are you ready? Let’s do this!
“I Don’t Want to …”
Let’s jump right in with the parenting scenario that is perhaps the most frequently encountered: asking our kids to do something and getting a less than enthusiastic response. When we make requests of our children, they are usually practical demands related to activities of daily living – getting dressed, eating dinner, doing homework, getting to bed. Because what we’re asking is so reasonable and necessary, it makes it even more frustrating when our children resist. If we don’t want to get stuck in the same old power struggle, we need to try something different. How we respond to their resistance can be a true game-changer.
Scenario A: “I Don’t Want to Come for Dinner”
In this scenario, let’s assume your child is playing outside with her friends in the neighborhood. When you call her to come in for dinner, she yells back, “I don’t want to! I’m not even hungry.”
The Knee-Jerk Response
Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with something like:
“Come on sweetie, you can go out and play later.”
“I worked hard on this meal – let’s go!”
Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:
“Too bad! It’s time to eat.”
Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his or her version of: “I don’t want to come for dinner.”
What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?
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Step 1. Building a Bridge
Imagine you worked in an environment where you were definitely the subordinate employee. Your opinion mattered, but ultimately your superiors got the final say. They decided when you had to work, when you got to take a break – even when and what you ate. That said, you love your job, and most of the time you think your bosses are great. But sometimes it feels frustrating that you don’t have more leeway, even if you haven’t quite got a handle on the extent of your role. Now let’s use this frame of reference to remember what it’s like to be a kid and to have to cooperate with umpteen requests per day, from various adults in their life. Children, like adults, want to have some independence. This is a normal human need. Let’s also remember how much fun it was to play! As adults, we may no longer have that luxury, but play is what children do. It’s their work, their language, their joy, and something they need for their growth and development.
Possible Emotion Translations
Possibility A: “I’m having a lot of fun with my friends!”
Possibility B: “I don’t want to miss out on the next game.”
Possibility C: “My stomach hasn’t given me the signal that I’m hungry yet.”
Translations for your child:
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*Reminder: If you are feeling stressed, upset or overwhelmed, engaging in this mental exercise can be a real challenge. You might find that taking a break or a couple of deep breaths might make it easier to brainstorm possible emotional translations.
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Step 2. Putting It into Words
Option 1. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to come in when you’re having so much fun.”
Option 2. “Dinner is probably the last thing on your mind! Especially that you’re just about to start a new game.”
Option 3. “I can imagine you want to wait until you’re good and hungry before leaving your friends.”
In your own words:
I can imagine why you wouldn’t want to come in for dinner because __________, and because _________, and because __________.
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Step 3. Getting Practical
Emotional support: It makes sense that a child might feel annoyed when asked to stop something he likes doing. Validating his perspective as demonstrated, including acknowledging his frustration, will help. Children need to feel that parents respect their emerging competence – that they are their own people with their own wishes who can start to make some of their own choices. Putting it into words shows that you get this, even though you are still the one setting the schedule and rules for the family. If your child is worried about missing out on something with friends, she might also need reassurance – for example, there will be a next time before too long. Seems simple (and perhaps totally obvious) but when said with sincerity, it can help to make the transition an easier one for your child’s brain.
Practical support: Competing with “fun” can be hard. This means that even after you’ve tried to put it in words and offered reassurance, many children will need you to repeat the request and set a clear limit. When responding to your child in this way (and using this sequence), you may still hear mumbles and grumbles, but it is much more likely that they will be in the house faster and with much less tension, if any.
Next time you need to call your son or daughter for dinner, you may also consider giving a 10-minute warning so that your child can mentally prepare for the upcoming transition. Some kids need a frequent countdown, and some need an adult physically close to help them through transitions. If it’s possible to offer them a bit more control over their schedule, once everyone is calm, you can sit down ahead of time and ask them what might work best to help them change tracks. This situation is a great opportunity to work on problem-solving together with your child.
Sample Script: “I Don’t Want to Come for Dinner.”
| PARENT: | “Hey sweets, what show are you watching?” |
| CHILD: | (not looking away from the screen) The Friendly Forest. |
| PARENT: | “What’s going on? It looks like Freda the Fox is being silly.” |
| CHILD: | “Yeah, she’s pretending to be a dog. She’s wagging her tail.” |
| PARENT: | “I can see you really like this show. We’re having dinner soon, so you’ll have to come to the table for dinner in 10 minutes.” |
| CHILD: | (whining) “Noooo. I want to watch the rest of the show.” |
| PARENT: | “It looks like a good one. Spaghetti doesn’t seem as fun as Freda the Fox, now, does it?” |
| CHILD: | (still whining) “No. I want to see what happens next. I want to see why she’s trying to be a dog.” |
| PARENT: | “I bet you do! It’s hard to go from the television to the dinner table, especially when you want to know what’s going to happen next! I bet you wish that dinner were later. I’ll tell you what, I’ll come back in 10 minutes and if the show isn’t over, we can pause it so that you can finish watching it after we eat. You can press ‘pause’ or I can.” |
| CHILD: | “Okay, I’m going to press it.” |
| PARENT: | “Deal. And we can try to guess over dinner why that silly fox is pretending to be a dog.” |
Common Pitfalls
1. “He shouldn’t need to be told twice.” When you tell adults, “It’s time to go,” they usually get their shoes and coat on and are out the door (okay – most of the time!). Kids move much more slowly, sometimes get distracted, and sometimes get stuck. It actually takes cognitive flexibility for a child to move one from one activity to another, especially since the part of the brain responsible for “shifting sets” is not fully developed until adulthood. Depending on their developmental stage (not their age), it can be harder to do for some kids. This is especially true when the activity to which they are transitioning isn’t as “rewarding.” Because of this, it’s worthwhile to expect a certain degree of resistance as part of a normal interaction when giving a command. When it feels like disrespect, parent and child can get drawn into a standoff where both parties lose flexibility. When you assume your child is stuck rather than just oppositional, it allows you to find more productive ways to help him move forward.
2. “What’s the big deal if he stays out longer? I don’t want to be controlling.” Some of us grew up with military-style discipline and don’t want to repeat that for our children. Or we don’t want to upset a child who is finally having fun. If it really works for you to let your child have dinner later, there may be no issue; however, when children are able to refuse their parents’ requests too often, it can set up a dynamic in which the child is in control. Children feel safer when their parents are in charge and anxious when they aren’t, no matter how much they act like they prefer it. Thankfully, when you can validate your child’s perspective and stay in charge, it isn’t “controlling” but rather teaching and guiding your child to stay on track in a supportive way.
3. “I’m starting to notice that the resistance is mainly around food and mealtimes.” Good catch. There are many reasons for hesitancy around eating and mealtimes that don’t have to do with just “missing out on fun.” Some kids have trouble sitting still at the table, some have sensory issues with foods’ tastes or textures, some have anxiety about a part of the eating process, and some may be developing concerns around body image or weight. Along these lines, studies show that 25% of boys and 30% of girls aged 10 to 14 years will experiment with dieting behaviors. Dieting frequently starts in kids as young as 8. In some cases, food resistance persists and can have negative health outcomes for kids. Dieting can lead to increased risk for weight management problems, even eating disorders. If you are worried about your child’s eating behaviors, regardless of underlying cause, it is not advised to adopt a “wait and see approach.” Rather, check in with your primary care provider to discuss your concerns.
Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s experience in a situation like this?
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What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like this?
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What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in the future?
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Scenario B: “I Don’t Want to Go to bed”
It’s bedtime. In some homes, bedtime comes with elaborate plans and strategies, all to avoid a one-way street to meltdown city. Kids resist bedtime for any number of reasons. They may be afraid of the dark, they are still wired from the day, or they may simply have a bad case of FOMO (fear of missing out). In this scenario, when you tell your child it’s bedtime, they cry, “Noooooo, I don’t want to go to bed!”
The Knee-Jerk Response
Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with something like:
“Sorry kiddo – it’s that time.”
“Honey, you’re tired and you need good sleep to be healthy.”
Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:
“If you don’t get to bed in the next 5 minutes, there’s no story and definitely no screen time after dinner tomorrow!”
Imagine for a moment that your child says to you his version of “I don’t want to go to bed.”
What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?
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Step 1. Building a Bridge
My kid once shared this with me: “It’s not fair that kids have to sleep alone when parents always get to sleep together in the same bed! They always have company!”
How true! I had not crossed the bridge to Child Island in that way before! It is so easy to forget what it’s like to be a small kid in a big world where your sense of safety comes from being with your caregivers. Never mind the dark! Easy for us to reassure our children, even lose patience with them, since our brains have since evolved. It’s hard to remember what it was actually like to be alone in our bedrooms when our parents were still going about their daily lives without us. The same can be true with kids with older siblings. They often struggle to understand that they have different developmental needs, and so they can feel hurt or offended by the different expectations.
Other children are just too revved up to go to sleep. The child who has lots of energy before bed is no different from how we feel after too much coffee. It can be physically hard to settle down when wired, no matter how tired you are underneath. Kids may anticipate lying in bed feeling jittery, physically uncomfortable, or bored and therefore resist doing so.
Possible Emotion Translations
Possibility A: “I’m scared to be in my room by myself in the dark, and I’m embarrassed to admit it.”
Possibility B: “It feels unfair that my sister gets to stay up and I don’t. I feel like a baby when I have to go to bed and nobody else does.”
Possibility C: “I’m too energetic, and if I go to bed now, I’m just going to feel very bored and very uncomfortable.”
Translations for your child:
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Step 2. Putting It into Words
Option 1. “Aw – I understand you don’t want to go to bed. It can feel a little scary to be upstairs all alone, and that’s not a good feeling.”
Option 2. “Being the first to bed is hard. I can imagine you don’t want to miss out on what we’re doing. It probably doesn’t feel fair that your sister gets to stay up later.”
Option 3. “No wonder you don’t want to go to bed, you have so much energy. It feels like we’re asking you to flip a switch and suddenly be calm when your body wants to jump around.”
In your own words:
I can imagine why you wouldn’t want to go to bed right now because __________, and because _________, and because __________.
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Step 3. Getting Practical
Emotional support: In general, bedtime can be a great time to connect with your child. It can really help to leave some time, maybe 10 minutes, to engage in connection with your child where the only person in the world that matters to you is her. This kind of connection acts like a fuel for cooperation. Because it can be so hard in our hectic lives to find the time to do so, when you build in this very special ritual in the bedtime routine, your child may actually look forward to getting into bed – or at least they are likely to be far less resistant. If you have more than one kid, 10 minutes may not be possible, but even 2 minutes of special time can help.
Children who are anxious about separation or the dark may also need to feel your confidence in their ability to cope and manage. Once you’ve validated their feelings, it can be helpful to provide some reassurance – that the room is safe, that you’re nearby and will see them in the morning – but there is also a limit on reassurance where it becomes counterproductive. For example, checking once for monsters under the bed can be done in a way that is cute and supportive, but checking twice or three times can fuel the fear.
For the child who is more energetic or disappointed about potentially missing out on the fun, conveying that you get it and that there is always more to look forward to tomorrow can be helpful too.
Practical support: For all kids, routine and consistency can help a lot with bedtime. General principles are the following:
- Set the same bedtime every night (ideally on weekends too).
- Keep a similar routine every night (bath, pajamas, tooth brushing, story, cuddle, etc.).
- Use a meaningful object (e.g., blanket, stuffed toy) to help child feel more comfortable if sleeping alone.
- Weave relaxation and mindfulness activities into the routine. The ol’ counting sheep strategy can also be a way to calm the busy mind and body.
- Remember that good sleep is vital to kids’ and parents’ health and wellbeing. If the child’s emotions or behavior are controlling bedtime, then additional strategies will be needed. Please refer to the section on Sleep in Chapter 24: Recommended Readings.
*Reminder: Your ace in the hole is sincerity. Thanks to their mirror neurons, your child’s brain will register that your efforts are genuine, leading to a release of calming neurochemicals regardless of how well you follow the structure provided.
Sample Script: “I Don’t Want to Go to bed”
| PARENT: | “Honey! It’s bedtime. Get your jammies on, brush your teeth, and I’ll be right there to tuck you in.” |
| CHILD: | “Aw, can I please stay up for a while longer? We just started a new game.” |
| PARENT: | “No sweetie. It’s after 8pm already.” |
| CHILD: | “You’re always ruining our fun. I’m not even tired.” |
| PARENT: | “You know, I actually don’t blame you for not wanting to go to bed. Adults love to sleep, but most kids don’t want to miss out on more fun time at home. Especially since tomorrow means the start of another school day.” |
| CHILD: | “Exactly! So why won’t you let me stay up later?” |
| PARENT: | “So sorry kiddo. It’s time. I promise you’ll have more playtime tomorrow.” |
| CHILD: | (getting angry) “I don’t want to!” |
| PARENT: | “I bet that it’s hard to be told what to do all the time, and it can feel lonely in bed, especially when you know Max is still up with us. It might even make you feel like a little kid. Tomorrow after dinner we can sit down and talk about bedtime, but right now I bet you can’t beat me up the stairs to the bathroom!” |
| CHILD: | “Fine but I get a head start!” |
Common Pitfalls
1. “They just need to go to sleep.” Hard to refer to this as a pitfall because it’s true. However, if your child has been stuck in a cycle of protesting sleep, he may need some extra support to break that cycle. You may feel that your child shouldn’t need external support to get to bed or be concerned he will rely on you for too long. Trust us, kids don’t want to go to college with a stuffy, nor do they want their parents to tuck them in forever. It is normal in many societies in the world for children to sleep in bed with their parents for longer than what we consider to be “normal.” Humans evolved sleeping together for safety, and our kids’ brains are still very much wired for survival. Therefore, kids need to be taught that it’s safe to sleep alone, and some kids need a tad bit more of that teaching. And when they get a bit older and feel lonely, they may need to be taught again.
2. “My child is a master at the ‘one more thing’ strategy.” First it’s more pages of the story, then a glass of water, then a sore stomach. When kids keep calling you back over and over again, it’s enough to drive any parent up the wall. If you’re at the end of your rope, it’s really important to use the emotion translator so that you can hear what’s hidden in your child’s repeated requests: “This transition is really hard.” As you likely figured out long ago, it’s not about the water or the itch; it’s about missing you, or worry. If as above you can speak to the feeling: “You’re really thirsty, and it’s also a bit hard to say goodnight,” you can follow this up with a support strategy: “If you miss me at night, you can squeeze Mr. Dog and I’m giving him my special hug to hold just for you.” And by all means, set your limit. Nothing fuels frustration like feeling like you have to give in to every demand; it’s helpful to be clear about what you will and won’t do at bedtime, and remember that your calm and confident approach to your child is what’s most helpful.
Reflections
What might make it hard for me to put into words my child’s experience in a situation like this?
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What might make it hard for me to get practical in a situation like this?
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What do I need to deal with a situation like this more confidently in the future?
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Scenario C. “I Don’t Want to Do My homework”
In this next “I don’t want to …” scenario, let’s assume it’s time for homework. Your son really struggles with reading, and that’s what’s on tonight’s agenda. You’re already dreading it. It’s always a battle, and you’re worried he’s going to have a really negative relationship with reading, even homework in general. When you ask him to get his book out, he responds, “I don’t want to! The teacher gave us the dumbest book.”
The Knee-Jerk Response
Much of the time, parents and caregivers will respond with something like:
“I’m sure it’s not that bad. The sooner you get through your chapter, the sooner you can move on to something else.”
“Honey, you are doing SO well. You get better all the time but you need to keep practicing.”
Sometimes, especially when frustrated, one might say:
“Don’t be rude. Your teacher works hard to support your learning. No book is dumb.”
Imagine for a moment that your child says to you her version of “I don’t want to do my homework.”
What’s your most likely knee-jerk response?
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Step 1. Building a Bridge
There are many reasons a child may not want to read. Children develop reading skills at different paces, and sometimes the material is just too difficult for them at that time. For children with language-based learning differences, reading can feel like asking them to build a bridge. There are so many invisible components to the task, and it’s easy to get overwhelmed without the proper supports. And imagine being asked to perform a difficult task in front of other people (even your parents); children can feel a lot of embarrassment at the prospect of letting on that something is hard for them, especially if “everyone else” can do it just fine. Other children struggle with attention span, sitting still and focusing on a less preferred activity. Even at the best of times and with no underlying cognitive issues, reading and other school tasks require mental energy and the enjoyment develops over time.
Possible Emotion Translations
Possibility A: “When I struggle to read, it makes me feel really bad about myself and I don’t want to feel that way.”
Possibility B: “The content of the book doesn’t reflect my interests, so it’s hard to stay focused.”
Possibility C: “My brain is tired after a long day at school, so the idea of doing something mentally challenging sounds painful.”
Translations for your child:
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Step 2. Putting It into Words
Option 1. “I can understand why you wouldn’t want to dive in. Reading is not your favorite subject, and so I imagine it’s not a lot of fun.”
Option 2. “I bet you’re not excited to read about more farm animals; it’s too bad the book isn’t about motorcycles.”
Option 3. “I can imagine that after a long day, the thought of reading for homework is tiring.”
In your own words:
I can imagine why you wouldn’t want to do your reading homework because ________, and because _________, and because __________.
*Reminder: This step is most effective when you can use one of the sentence starters followed by three because-statements that reflect why it might make sense for your child to feel, think or act this way.
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Step 3. Getting Practical
Emotional support: Kids (and all people for that matter) want to be valued for who they are. When they feel they aren’t living up to expectations, they can feel embarrassed or fear rejection. This is why it’s crucial to keep the parent–child relationship positive with patience and encouragement while working on homework (e.g., “you’ve worked through projects before and I’m sure we can do this together”). We know this is a tall order, yet as soon as kids sense criticism and disappointment, they are likely to shut down or want to avoid homework even more than they already did in the first place. The need here is also for acceptance of where the child is at rather than pressure to be where we want him to be. The child struggling with reading or homework also needs our confidence that he will learn and grow, as all children do.
Practical support: In this scenario and others like it, getting practical might involve some support in moving through the task. There are many practical ways to support your child with homework, one of which is to use what is referred to as a scaffolding technique (in the same way scaffolding is used around a building under construction). This means the parents or caregivers provide just enough support that children can complete the task without the adult taking over fully or doing for them what they can do for themselves. For example, a parent may demonstrate how to solve a problem or read a word, and then they step back to allow their child to give it a try. Or a parent may let their child come up with the ideas for a project but help spell the words. In some cases, reading instructions aloud to the child, helping to organize the steps, or scribing their answers may be necessary to support the child to complete the task.
Parents can also help by structuring homework time. For example, you can spend some connecting time with kids after school before homework (e.g., playing a game) and then set a timer for short bursts of focused homework time with movement breaks in between. “I’ll set the timer for 15 minutes and after that we’ll turn on the music and dance for 5 minutes before getting back to work again.”
Because it is such hard work to be a parent and homework helper at the same time, it may be more practical to work with a good tutor or advocate for extra help at school if the resources are available. You may even consider enlisting a teen from the neighborhood who needs volunteer hours or grandparents, aunts and uncles. This may be especially relevant for children with learning differences who may require extra support to help them reach their potential.
Sample Script: “I Don’t Want to Do My Homework”
| PARENT: | “Time to do your math homework!” |
| CHILD: | “Ugh, I’ll do it later.” |
| PARENT: | “I don’t blame you for not wanting to do it. Word problems are not easy, especially at the end of a long day.” |
| CHILD: | “It’s stupid. I swear I’m never going to use this stuff.” |
| PARENT: | “It is extra hard to feel motivated to do something that’s tough and feels like a waste of time.” |
| CHILD: | “Plus you’re always nagging me about it.” |
| PARENT: | “Yeah, I know, it makes it worse when we get into it with each other. On top of the work, we get into battles, which doesn’t feel good. No wonder you don’t want to get going.” |
| CHILD: | “See! If I didn’t do homework, we wouldn’t fight! Problem solved!” |
| PARENT: | “Yeah, it would be awesome if there were never any homework. I feel for you, kiddo. I really do. And I know you can get this over and done with before too long. Do you want to tackle it on your own or do you want to look at the book with me first?” |
| CHILD: | “I’ll just start.” |
| PARENT: | “You got it. I’ll come check on you in a few.” |
Common Pitfalls
1. “If I validate how hard math can be, won’t he avoid the subject?” When your child struggles with a school subject, it can be scary to put that struggle into words in case it somehow makes it more likely that they will shy away from academics in general. Parents usually take on the role of cheerleader (you’ve got this!) or enforcer (you’ve got to do this!) instead. Thankfully you can breathe easy knowing that responding in the ways we’ve suggested here will actually decrease your child’s resistance, increase his engagement, and therefore, his skill and confidence. It’s also important for kids to know their own personal profile of strengths and weaknesses. One of the ways you can support your child to develop healthy school-based self-esteem is to help him to celebrate his gifts and feel okay about his difficulties.
2. “What if she never succeeds in school?” Kids spend the majority of their time in school, and so much can feel like it’s riding on school performance: their self-esteem, peer group, acceptance to college/university, career. It’s a lot of pressure on parents to choose the right schools and programs and to help kids do their very best. When a child is struggling with academics, this rubs up against one of parenting’s basic unwritten rules: Don’t let your child do poorly in school! Some of us blame ourselves for the problems or get really frustrated at our kids that they aren’t trying harder or doing better. Fundamentally, this goes back to not wanting to see them suffer and worrying about a future which doesn’t yet exist, in which we imagine them living below their potential. It can also feel embarrassing to see one’s child fall short of our expectations or what we imagine society’s expectations to be. This is one of those situations where we need to find a way to shelve the worry or shame and remember that the inherent nature of all children is to develop, learn, and grow. Once we can get our own worries out of the way, it frees us up to continue accompanying them on their path and supporting them in the best way we can.