We really hope that you’ve found parts of the book to be applicable to your family life. We set out to capture common parenting moments, since it’s usually helpful just to know that these issues arise in households around the world multiple times a day. Parents and caregivers don’t often share their kids’ worst moments with each other. No one posts a family picture of their kids screaming or fighting each other on social media. Some parents can have honest conversations with their very closest friends and family. Others can only really share the hard stuff anonymously online or in the security of a confidential office with a medical or mental health professional. Many battle through their own daily trenches largely alone. It’s only because we have the luxury of talking privately to families every day that we see how universal these struggles are. We can reassure you that no family is as perfect as it seems, no children are as well behaved, and no parents, stepparents, grandparents, etc. have it all figured out. We also have the privilege of seeing the unbelievable dedication and love that parents and caregivers have for their children. Reading this book is just one of the millions of ways, small and large, that you are caring for the young people in your life.
Neither of us ever expected to write a parenting book. We both went into mental health fields wanting to help children. What we discovered professionally is that one of the best ways to help children is to help families get out of stuck patterns of relating to one another – sometimes dating back generations. When we started raising our own children and stepchildren, it became even more obvious how much everyone in the family suffered when our kids were struggling. We also learned that, most often, our kids couldn’t change without us taking the lead, and that sometimes meant first getting on the same page with partners in caregiving. It didn’t matter how much schooling we had, how many friendships we had with other mental health professionals, or even how much time we’d spent helping other people’s kids – nothing could have prepared us for being with the kids in our own lives! Nothing can bring you the same level of joy or frustration or fear or awe. It can be so amazing that we want to hold on forever or so overwhelming that we want to turn away (even run away). When we broke it down into smaller parts, we realized that there were some universal thoughts and worries that get in the way for parents and caregivers, and also some concrete steps to being with a child through all of his or her feelings and behaviors. Inspired by our mentors, colleagues, and the great minds who came before us, we developed the framework outlined in this book to put into words some of those central ideas. We can attest that these practices have definitely made our lives at home easier, and that’s why we were so motivated to share them with you.
It’s always touching for us to hear parents’ stories after they’ve taken the risk and tried out some of these ideas at home. They often come back and report how their child finally opened up or softened and actually accepted their support. Sometimes, the benefit isn’t as obvious, but parents are still trusting in the approach and using the skills. I can think of a mother who recently told me:
It didn’t work. She didn’t calm down at all. But I just told her that was okay and that I didn’t expect her to be cheerful after such a horrible day. The next day she stayed in the kitchen with me instead of going up to her room and shutting the door like usual. So maybe I did something right?
It’s also normal for it to take a few weeks of relating in this new way to notice a difference. Change doesn’t tend to happen in a straight line; you may even feel temporary blips or setbacks before things improve, but when parents persist, there is almost always a positive change. You just can’t change one part of a relationship pattern without other parts responding in turn. Every action has a reaction, and we count on it!
Figure 22.1 Climbing the mountain of change
Let’s review a few of the main takeaways. First, it’s important, especially at first, to emphasize the use of the three because-statements to pivot from the culturally conditioned responses to try to make our kids’ feelings go away. They let your children know that you get them and you’re paying attention to their lives. They deepen the validation. They also keep you focused on staying in your children’s reality rather than prematurely trying to lead them out of their feeling state.
It’s also important that, as much as possible, the because-statements reflect your child’s goodness or positive intention. Even when the behavior isn’t so good (e.g., hitting a sibling to get a turn on a video game), you can still reflect the underlying feelings, wishes, or needs (e.g., you were so angry because you felt left out or because you really wanted to have a turn after waiting so long). Reflecting your child in a positive and healthy light lets them see themselves that way. You are their greatest mirror.
The order we’ve outlined of validation before reassurance or problem-solving (whenever safe to do so) also seems to matter a lot to kids of all ages. In fact, older kids tell us they are much more willing to listen to their parents’ advice when they feel understood or accepted first. You can think of it as “Feelings Before Fixing” or “Support Before Solutions.” There’s the well-known Sylvia Boorstein quote (and book title): “Don’t just do something, sit there.” She meant to sit first and be with one’s own experience before acting, and we essentially mean the same thing for parents with their children. Sitting and listening to them first then providing validation before offering advice is doing something invisible, yet meaningful and powerful.
We recommend following the structure provided until you get your feet under you and then making it your own. Once the principles feel solid (regulate yourself first, see the goodness, feelings before fixing), and you’ve wrapped your mind around the framework (build a bridge, putting it into words, getting practical), you will automatically convey what you mean to and the details won’t matter so much. In other words, don’t worry about getting it just right, especially in the beginning when you are acquiring the new skills. It can also be off-putting to kids to see their parent trying to speak to them “perfectly.” The focus is best placed on tuning in to yourself and your child, not on the “perfect words to say.” If your child feels you are genuine in your efforts, that vulnerable expression of love is the greatest gift you can give your kids, even if you stumble on your words or forget what comes next. And remember, no matter how bad things get – they want you and only you as their mom or dad or stepparent or grandparent. When there is conflict, the intensity of the discord reflects the intensity with which they want you to join them, and help them to get through their toughest moments.
Just like any other new practice, it helps to start with something relatively easy. For example, if you routinely love celebrating your child’s joy with her, you can just tack on some of the “putting it into words” stuff. If you’re more comfortable with your child’s anxiety, start with applying your new tools in these situations before moving into the more angry zones. If you have more than one child, it can also work well to start with the child whom you think will respond better. It’s not always going to go well, but every time you do it, you are making a long-term investment in your relationship with your child and their brain development. Not only will this way of responding help your children in the moment, but, over time, they will internalize the framework, and this will help them tremendously in their life as they use it themselves and with the other people around them. In other words, when you change your way of being with your child, you change the DNA of the relationship, and that gets passed along the generations. Sometimes – when I am tired and frustrated and the last thing I want to do is build a bridge (never mind put it into words) – I think of the generations past who did their best to parent us with the little science and support they had access to at the time. Then I get back up again in their honor to untangle some of those intergenerational cycles. Now if that doesn’t resonate with you, totally okay, find the meaning in your efforts so that you can draw from that well when you are struggling with the day-to-day. Sometimes consciously bringing to mind the big picture can give us perspective and take the edge off in the moment.
If you’re a bit hesitant about how this will all go, please don’t forget the “do-over.” At the start, 95% of your efforts may be “do-overs.” The first step is realizing that the interaction didn’t go as hoped after the interaction. We’re serious – that’s awesome. “Do-overs” can honestly be just as good as staying calm or present the first time. It would be weird to always be fully tuned into your child’s feelings or needs. It’s neither possible nor good for children if you “get it” all the time. Those gaps when parents are out of sync with their child help build a child’s autonomy and resilience to stress, and reconnection teaches the child that the parent–child bond is strong enough to withstand everyday wear and tear. In other words, healthy relationships are all about missing the mark and then course correction. This can mean a “do-over” with a specific interaction or even a commitment to a new way of relating altogether. These are helpful in all relationships, whether at home or elsewhere. They are especially useful in co-parenting where emotions tend to run pretty high when the going gets tough or when the family structure is changing. You can use these principles to work more effectively as a team with your partners in caregiving, and it will lower not only your stress but your child’s as well. In fact, sometimes co-parenting disagreements or stress are one of the main factors that get in the way of parents being able to build a bridge to Child Island. Your mind can only be in so many places at once! It is much easier to parent when you feel supported (or at least not distracted by) your co-parent. If you don’t feel your co-parent’s support, we urge you to “be the first domino.” It doesn’t always feel good or “fair,” especially if you feel like you’re always the one to have to take the lead, but every action really does have a reaction and your efforts will prove fruitful over time, especially if you are sincere in your intentions. Trust us on this one – we have had the opportunity to work with many partners in caregiving who were struggling to be in the same room, never mind “get on the same page” with respect to their kids and what we’ve learned is that the pain fueling both sides is most often rooted in vulnerability – fear, hurt, even shame. When this vulnerable pain can be met with kindness and support, and with no expectation for anything in return (even if just for the kids’ sake at first), magic can happen.
As parents start to focus in on listening to their children differently, they often become aware of all the inner and external distractions: work stress, overscheduling, electronics buzzing. The pace of life and the overall stress load starts to feel at odds with the deep desire to connect with our children in a helpful and meaningful way. Many parents start by focusing on communication with their children and develop more interest in knowing more about stress reduction for themselves. If you’re in this boat, you are not alone. Our generation of parents have so much on our minds. There are constant demands on our resources and attention. There are also new challenges (like our children’s digital immersion) and anxieties (like our kids’ economic and environmental future). Fortunately, we are also at a time when mindfulness practice has become mainstream, and there are many options for busy parents. All of the ancient traditions teach a form of mindfulness or “paying attention, on purpose, nonjudgmentally.” Nowadays, it is possible to find guidance around mindfulness practice from many sources: podcasts, books, secular teachers, religious teachers, and retreats. When I (Ashley) was first having a hard time as a new parent, my mentor and colleague suggested mindfulness practice. Of all the things I’ve learned and tried, mindfulness meditation has been the simplest, cheapest, and most helpful approach to managing my own stress as a parent. Our favorite title for a mindfulness book is Dan Harris’s Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics because, in real life, who likes the idea of sitting still and having to focus on your own breathing with so much going on in the background? Not too many parents, especially parents who are already tearing their hair out. If you can relate, we want you to know that there are many ways to practice mindfulness in daily life that don’t involve sitting still for 30 minutes at a time (for real!). For more information, check out the resources section for some recommended books and websites. One we particularly love is Mindful Parent, Mindful Child: Simple Mindfulness Practices for Busy Parents, an audiobook by Susan Kaiser Greenland.
If you’re interested in a group format program (a good excuse to get out of the house once a week), there are several options.
The first secular mindfulness program was pioneered by Jon Kabat-Zinn and is called Mindfulness-based stress reduction. This course is available in many urban centers and some online formats. It’s a great introduction to mindfulness practice and helps participants become more aware of and less reactive to everyday events.
Mindfulness-based parent training is an offshoot of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction designed specifically for parents. This can be especially useful if your child is suffering from a medical or mental health condition or you are dealing with stress that is particularly related to parenting.
Mindful self-compassion deepens practices that are usually introduced in other mindfulness training. As we discussed in Chapter 4, self-compassion practices can help us deal with parenting challenges, as we aren’t easily able to take space away from the issue. It is the antidote to all the unrealistic expectations faced by many parents today. We highly recommend it.
Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy is geared toward people with anxiety or depression. It has been shown to be helpful for new parents and for anyone with recurrent bouts of depression.
Maybe you’re looking for something more in terms of parenting support or your child is struggling with a behavioral issue or mental health issue and you could benefit from “advanced caregiving skills.” If so, we agree with other authors like Brené Brown who suggest that parents don’t need “experts” to give advice so much as they need space to uncover and listen to their own inner wisdom. I (Adele) am definitely biased in thinking that emotion-focused family therapy (EFFT) can be helpful, as I am a co-developer of the approach. The framework captured in this book shares common roots, and the focus of EFFT is to support parents with skills and strategies to help their kids with behaviors, emotions, and their relationship. Should parents’ efforts to support their child get blocked by their fear (of making things worse), self-blame (for their child’s struggles), or other thoughts or feelings (hopelessness, grief, etc.), the EFFT therapist helps the parent to reconnect to their caregiving instincts and get back on track. Check out www.emotionfocusedfamilytherapy.org for links to a number of free videos for parents and caregivers inspired by the approach.
Traditional family therapy (where two or more members of the family typically come together) is another way to get “in-person” support to have more understanding and less conflict in the family and to put into practice some of the ideas and tools described in this book. Many parents worry that a referral for “family therapy” means “it must be the parents’ fault.” We believe just the opposite: Parents can be the biggest part of the solution, even if things have been really hard for a long while. Family therapy helps parents and kids get out of stuck patterns of relating and connect with each other in ways that better meet each family member’s needs.
Many communities offer parent guidance and support, either through in-person groups or telephone/video-coaching. You can always ask your primary care provider, health unit and/or local school for recommendations. These resources are often convenient, affordable and based on sound research evidence.
Finally, parenthood can really shake things up emotionally, so it’s not surprising that parents often become interested in understanding more about themselves or their other relationships. There is a wide range of support out there for parents, from online peer support groups to counseling and psychotherapy. For example, individual psychotherapy can be really helpful to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings and improve relationships with your kids, your co-parent, and other important others. Contrary to popular belief, psychotherapy doesn’t have to be a deep exploration of your own childhood unless you want it to be. Those interested in how childhood experiences may influence their current efforts as a parent or who are now trying to give their children experiences that they never received but wished they had, psychodynamic psychotherapy may be an ideal choice. Cognitive behavioral therapy is also widely available, is usually short-term, and focuses on “here-and-now” issues, such as negative thinking patterns and how to change them in day-to-day life. Interpersonal psychotherapy helps parents identify their feelings in the context of important relationships and improve communication with significant others. Couples therapy can be especially useful for co-parents and may center on supporting each other in your parenting role. Working on the couple relationship is often helpful to children but doesn’t need to be the main focus if you don’t want it to be. There are many other forms of psychotherapy, and in the end, the relationship with the therapist is probably the most important factor in getting the support you want.
One additional form of support I may pursue is:
A Final Word
When it feels like you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work, it’s easy to lose hope. It can make you worry that something is really wrong with your child, yourself or your relationship. Hopefully, as you’ve used some of the ideas in this book, you’ve seen more glimmers of connection and calm. If not, then rest assured that change can take time. Children are incredibly resilient creatures. So are parents and caregivers. We are programmed to learn and grow together. No matter what your child has been through or how she is reacting right now, there is always, always hope. The bond between a child and their primary caregiver is stronger than it seems, and children want things to get better. Your child likely won’t yet be able to thank you for all that you are doing or to tell you that even when things go sideways, he appreciates how you stick by him again and again. We hope that in the meantime, you can give yourself credit for being willing to try out new things, fall, and get back up again. It is a tremendous gift you are giving yourself and your child and we so firmly believe that your efforts are incredibly meaningful.
